This is a really difficult situation. From what you have said, it is just not going to be possible to have your Dad and your brother both there. You will certainly have to talk to your brother and let him know you are back in contact with your father as it would not be fair to surprise him on the day. Would it be possible for your Dad to just attend the ceremony and meal then depart before the evening (before your brother has had too much to drink?) Is there another family member you can talk to who may be able to reason with your brother? I wish you lots of luck and hope that you find a solution.

Hi There, I am sorry to hear of your dilemma; this is a very intense and difficult situation and has to be handled with extreme care. The first issue of your brother drinking and creating disturbances is a problem in itself; however at your wedding will be your friends and family who know your brother and how he behaves when he drinks therefore you will find that their tolerance levels will increase to ease any pain or embarrassment to you caused by his behaviour. So with everyone pitching in to make your big day run smoothly you will probably find that there won't be as much trouble as you think. However even although you might think; it's no use trying to talk to him - it is! Have a chat with him when he is sober and ask him to try his very best not to create any trouble. Explain to him how important this is to you and really stress to him how upset you would be if he does not behave himself. Also have this conversation when he is drunk as this will reinforce to him how important this is to you (not so drunk he can't remember the conversation). Also when he has had only a few drinks tell him how much fun he is and more interesting he is when he has only had a few. At the very least you might get him to pace himself better. If anyone is buying him a drink tell them to get him low alcohol beer (don't tell him it is low alcohol) or just a 25ml measure with lots of the mixer this won't prevent him getting drunk but will slow it down a bit. The second issue is much more difficult to deal with; I do not believe it wise to leave the first meeting of your dad and brother (in a while) to be at your actual wedding as this will no doubt lead to disaster. First step is talk about your dad in general conversation when your brother is present; this will let him get used to his name being mentioned. Step two tell your brother (again in casual conversations) how you forgive your dad for his past mistakes; this will let him see how you forgive your dad and if you can forgive your dad then he might at this point wish he could too. Step three let them speak on the phone; this will allow things to be said by both of them in a controlled environment. Expect harsh words to be said and the slamming of phones etc the aim with this is for them to have contact and short conversations without arguments or abuse. When they can speak on the phone with ease then they will be ready to meet. Step four bring them together; take it slowly maybe a chance meeting and build it up from there. If you can take them through this process by the time the wedding comes around they may or may not be best buddies again but they will be able to tolerate each other to an acceptable level to get through the wedding. And continue to help them even after your wedding. Your brother will need the most support as he is the one who feels betrayed and hurt and even feels he has been damaged by his unfortunate past. Reinforce to your brother how good he really is and that he is a great brother. Talk about all the positive things in his life and build his confidence. Tell him he would be the bigger person being able to spend time with his dad and try to forgive him the best he can. What would move things forward if your dad were to apologise to your brother admit to him he was wrong, how regretful he is now and he wished things were different. Your dad needs to explain to your brother he was ill at that time and was not in full control of his behaviour or emotions etc etc. This is not a quick fix by any matter of means but it will help. Take it nice and easy and build it up. I wish you good luck and I hope that things work out for all of you. GOOD LUCK MRS S

I'm so sorry you are having such problems and this is, in turn, spoiling your anticipation of what should be a very happy day. There is more than one issue here so leaving your family relationship problems aside, the main thing is that your day is not spoilt and this means dealing with your brother. This is YOUR wedding day and one that you are entitled to enjoy to the full without any worries. This may be difficult to read but I think for your sake and for the sake of everyone else involved in this situation, the kindest thing would be to explain to your brother that, although you would love nothing more for him to be with you on your wedding day under normal cirumstances, experience has shown that he will not cope on the day and it will spoil everything for everyone. You really should not have to be so anxious and worried about what 'might happen' and you would forever be upset and angry that he had spoilt this day for you. From what you've said, if he did attend, things would go badly wrong and he would feel terribly guilty about that after the event - something I suspect he would find very difficult to cope with too. It would be better for him if this situation is avoided and I think that the only way you can get around this is to be firm with him and say that, because of his drink problem and only that, he cannot be there. His problems sound very severe and it's important that you don't shoulder too much responsibility for him. You sound like a very caring sister but are in danger of becoming dragged down by his problems. If the wedding is a while away yet, why not offer him a compromise in the form of getting professional help with his problems and reviewing the situation after a few months? If things have improved drastically, then maybe you could consider your wedding a bit more optimistically? He obviously has lots of issues related to your father which he needs to address before he's going to be able to move forward. I do wish you the very best of luck and wish I could offer you a whole lot more in terms of help. I hope your wedding day is a very, very happy one.

This is a very tricky situation and I feel for you having to go through this at a time that is usually nerve wracking enough without family problems adding to your worries. Your primary concern should be telling your brother that you have invited your father to your wedding day and that you have made the decision that you would like them both to be there. And do it now, rather than putting it off. Your brother will need time to adjust to the news and react so the further away from your wedding day the better. Make sure he knows this doesn't mean your brother has to speak to him or be near him on the day and make sure your brother understands how much he means to you and how much of a big part of your day he is. Ensure that he doesn't feel you value your father more than him and make your father aware of your brother's decision on wether he wants any contact with him at all and ask him to promise to do as he wishes. Your welcome drinks do not have to include champagne or alcohol. Fruit punch or non alcoholic cocktails will be refreshing for all your guests after a ceremony. You do not have to serve any alcohol until the meal and toasts. Make your venue aware of the table your brother is sitting at and ask them not to replenish his glass or wine bottle quite as often as other tables. Make sure all other bars are closed until after the meal has ended. In the evening if you are considering a free bar, perhaps you can arrange for all drinks from the bar for the first hour of your evening reception are free, but then a pay bar continues afterwards. These are all ways in which your brother can be prevented from drinking without it being obvious that you are doing so. Does your brother have a best friend or someone who can keep an eye on him throughout the day and evening? It may be worth assigning a person that he is likely to listen to if he is asked to leave and make sure this person gets him home safely. Hopefully after you have had a serious chat with your brother about your whole day he will understand how important the day going smoothly is to you and try his hardest to enjoy your day with you and the rest of your guests. Good luck and I hope you wedding is a huge success.